Guidelines for Giving Feedback
- Discharge the emotion 1st; reflect on behavior (data), feelings, judgments (story) & requests. “Reality check” (check confidentially with others) where appropriate; avoid triangulation. Intention is to resolve, not to be right (build the trust).
- Ask permission before giving feedback; ensure the timing is right for both parties.
- Describe observable behavior (data: objective; what they said or did ); separate this from judgments (story: what you inferred; subjective…use “I imagined” or “my interpretation was…”). Use “I” statements; avoid blameful “you” statements.
- Be specific. Don’t exaggerate. Sins: always, never, everybody, nobody.
- Here and now (avoid "gunny sacking"-stuffing many things away into a sack that's hidden, then dumped). Give feedback as close to the occurrence as possible.
- Give as much as the listener can hear, rather than how much you can give (K.I.S.S.).
- Check for understanding (ask to be mirrored/paraphrased) to ensure understanding.
- Open arena (this isn’t your monologue).
- Level with each other (don’t sugar coat; get to the point, “ground truth”).
- Sense of humor (levity, where appropriate).
- Avoid trigger phrases (words/ phrases you know stimulate them); choose neutral words.
- Use paraphrasing when they respond, to diffuse emotion.
- Give appreciative feedback as well as constructive; watch for overload.
- Appreciate their listening (it’s not always easy to receive).
- The change option is with the receiver: because you told ‘em doesn’t mean you changed ‘em. Share information & ideas, not advise (the choice is theirs).
Guidelines for Receiving Feedback
- Seek first to understand, then be understood. Be patient, even if you’ve heard it before, avoid interrupting.
- Don’t: withdraw (includes nonverbal), use sarcasm, attack, insult, or retaliate (tell them about them another time).
- Accountability for your behavior: “own it”; avoid being a victim, excuses, or blaming.
- Check understanding (paraphrase to ensure you’re clear and to have them feel heard).
- Signal overload (in the yellow zone, before you get to the red zone).
- Seek information, not orders (it’s your decision how to proceed).
- Ask for requests of what specifically they want to happen differently/instead.
- Keep a sense of humor (levity, where appropriate).
- Appreciate their openness; the opportunity to do it differently.
- Listen to understand, not to respond (you don’t have to agree, just to listen).
- Openly share your own needs; collaborate on ideas of how to do it differently.
- Ask for behavior-specific feedback, rather than judgments.
- If you’re reaching overload, signal in the yellow zone, and set another time (soon) to finish.